He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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