I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
