So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
