Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I touched a dick in church today
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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