Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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