i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
