im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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