my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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