nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
