Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
