Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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