Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
