i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
