the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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