the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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