Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
