i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize