burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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