so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize