I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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