just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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