I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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