I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
