I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
