Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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