Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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