Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
