I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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