I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
