Kareoke will never be a sober sport
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize