im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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