i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
