My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In other news, I just burned my penis
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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