I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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