You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
