I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
