My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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