my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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