I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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