Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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