I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
