now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She told me I should be a condom model.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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