I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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