And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
