Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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