I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
