I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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