when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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