I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
