Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
