Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
