Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Randomize
