I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
