He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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