Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
