FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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