Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
