I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
