just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
