I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
