we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
