forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My hand turned me down
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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